Food For Thot - By Bill Thompson - Poems Stories One Liners

FUNNY

OCCUPATIONAL HYMNS FOR THE HIGHWAY SPEEDERS . . .

45 MPH - GOD WILL TAKE CARE OF YOU
55 MPH - GUIDE ME, O THOU GREAT JEHOVAH
65 MPH - NEARER MY GOD TO THEE
75 MPH - NEARER STILL NEARER
85 MPH - THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME
AND OVER 100 MPH - PRECIOUS MEMORIES

The patrol officer stopped a motorist for a traffic violation.
Standing outside his expensive foreign car, the red-faced driver
frantically waived his hands and jumped up and down. "I'll have your job for this!"
he shouted at the top of his lungs. "Sir, you wouldn't want my job," replied
the unruffled officer as he wrote out the citation. "the hours are long, the pay
is low, and you meet some of the nastiest people."

The best way to lose weight is to eat all
you want of everything you do not like.

IF THE KNOCKING ON THE DOOR IS LONG AND LOUD
IT ISN'T OPPORTUNITY . . . . IT'S RELATIVES.

A husband was complaining about the high cost of groceries.
"What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I give you?"
His wife quietly responded, "Turn sideways and look in the mirror! "

A Beautiful blonde pulled up beside a truck at a stop light.
She rolled down her window and yelled to the driver, "you are
losing part of your load!" The light changed and she followed
the truck. next light she yelled, "Hey! You're losing part of
your load." Nothing changed so she tried once again at the
next light. At the fourth traffic light, she jumped out of her
car, went right up to the truck driver's window and said, "I
don't think you heard me." I was trying to tell you that
you're losing part of your load!" The driver rolled down his
window, smiled and said. . ." Lady, This is a SALT TRUCK ! "

Small thots . . .
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what will happen when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "OPEN HERE"?
What is the protocol if the package says,
"OPEN SOMEWHERE ELSE"?

You know the little indestructible black box
that is used on planes? Why can't they
make the whole plane out of the same substance?

A Wise Gentlemen who happens to be a bit
of a philosopher,had this to say about life,
"As you slide down the banister of life,
may all the splinters be pointed in
the right Direction."

The Twenty-Third Pound

My appetite is my shepherd, I shall not want,
it maketh me to sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape. Yeah though I knoweth I gaineth,
I will not stop eating. For the Food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me,
For I knoweth that soon I shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously, my clothes runneth smaller.
Surley, bulges and excess weight shall follow me all the days of my life,
and I will be fat forever.

The two greatest test of
character are wealth and poverty.

When I was a kid,
we had our own private tanning salon.
The only thing about it was we called it a woodshed.

SPORTS TALK

GOLF...THE ONLY THING THAT CAUSES
MORE LIES THAN THE INCOME TAX.

FISHING IS NOT A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH,
IT'S MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT!

MY DOCTOR TOLD ME TO PLAY 36 HOLES
A DAY, SO I BOUGHT A HARMONICA.

JOGGING AS AN EXERCISE STILL
RANKS FOURTH TO DUCKING RESPONSIBILITY,
JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS AND PUSHING YOUR LUCK.

EXERCISE IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SPECTATOR SPORTS

HEALTH

THINK ABOUT THIS: SOME PEOPLE
BECOME ROUND BY EATING SQUARE MEALS.

IT'S NOT WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE,
BUT HOW YOU WEIGH THE GAIN.

Only a fool argues with a SKUNK, a MULE or the COOK.

GOD IS GOOD, GOD IS FAIR, TO SOME
HE GAVE BRAINS, TO OTHERS - HAIR

SANTA CLAUSE COMES TO US UNDER MANY NAMES..
KRIS KRlNGLE, SAINT NICHOLAS AND MASTER CARD.

IT'S SO MUCH EASIER TO SUGGEST SOLUTIONS WHEN
YOU DON'T KNOW TOO MUCH ABOUT THE PROBLEM.

IF POLLUTION GETS ANY WORSE,
WALKING ON WATER WILL BE A CINCH

I don't want any new worlds to
conquer until I make peace with this one

EDUCATION IS A WONDERFUL THING.... IF YOU
COULDN'T SIGN YOUR NAME. YOU'D HAVE TO PAY CASH.

Killing time is not murder, it's suicide

THE BIGGER THEY ARE, THE FRIENDLIER I GET

There's a vast difference between putting your nose in other
peoples' business and putting your heart in other peoples' problems.

IF LIFE'S A PARTY - WHO CLEANS UP?

COUCH POTATO - A HALF-BAKED INDIVIDUAL WHO SPENDS
EXCESSIVE TIME VEGETATING ON THE COUCH WATCHING TV.

DOCTOR TO PATIENT: "WE'LL HAVE YOU UP AND
COMPLAINING ABOUT MY BILL BEFORE YOU KNOW IT."

A Person who growls all day is dog tired by evening.

NEVER WISH A DOCTOR OR AN
UNDERTAKER A PROSPEROUS NEW YEAR.

Your life is in the hands of anyone who makes you lose your TEMPER
Therefore....Do Not Let Anyone Get Your Goat....Keep It Tied Up!

Youth looks ahead.....
Old age looks back.....
Middle age looks...TIRED!

GOOD MORNING, THIS IS GOD!
I WILL BE HANDLING ALL YOUR PROBLEMS TODAY.
I WILL NOT NEED YOUR HELP - SO HAVE A GOOD DAY!

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

DOCTOR TO PATIENT: "WE'LL HAVE YOU UP AND
COMPLAINING ABOUT MY BILL BEFORE YOL KNOW IT."

BE LIKE A POSTAGE STAMP...
ALWAYS READY FOR SERVICE,
DOESN'T GIVE UP WHEN IT IS LICKED..
GOES WHEREVER IT'S SENT AND
STICKS TO IT'S TASK UNTIL IT IS DONE.